


Only Human

by eternalmurasaki (hontou_ni_fxxk_desu)



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 06:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10354029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hontou_ni_fxxk_desu/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: One year ago, Kame never would have thought he'd hang out with Pi so much.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mybigfatcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybigfatcat/gifts).



> Dear nimlothemeli, I hope you’ll enjoy the way I interpreted your prompt :) I enjoyed working with it very much.  
> You’ll find a lot of canon in this fic… and lots of things that I like to think of as canon.  
> Many thanks to my patient beta and to the mods!

"Tell me... how much of this masseuse rumour is true?" Kame asks, eyes twinkling.

Yamapi chokes on their takeaway dinner, obviously not expecting that question.

"What rumour?"

Kame raises an eyebrow.

"You ought to know most of this stuff is bullshit," Yamapi mutters and looks away.

One year ago, Kame never would have thought he'd hang out with Pi so much. But Pi had a knack for always coming back in his life when things were looking down for KAT-TUN. What started with words of encouragement continued with drinks together, golf together - and when Pi started looking for a more quiet and private place to live in, Kame immediately let him know an apartment would soon be available in his own building. Now that they were neighbours, they saw each other even more often - even just for a lazy chat together after work. Apparently, that didn't mean Pi was ready to share all his secrets with Kame (yet).

"Okay. What about the smashed phone story?"

Pi closes his eyes and breathes through his nose.

"Is this an interrogation or what?"

Kame laughs and lets it go. Sure, they don't necessarily know everything about each other’s lives, but after seeing each other grow up through the years, there certainly is a certain familiarity. Pi remembers what teenage-Kame liked (handbags), remembers some things he hated (tomatoes). Some of those memories may be superficial but at the end of the day, they both often know what kind of reactions to expect from each other, so hanging out together is comfortable and relaxing.

It's funny the way getting back in touch with some childhood friends is easy, when getting back in touch with ex-best-friends can get much more awkward.

***

About two months after Yamapi moves in, as Kame comes home from some late-night filming, he hears familiar laughter through Pi's doorway. He freezes in his footsteps. He hasn't heard that laughter in a very long time. For a second, he wonders whether he's imagined it, then he hears it again, louder.

Eavesdropping in the dark corridor feels creepy, so Kame blinks and moves forward towards his own apartment. A reckless part of him is tempted to randomly visit Pi the way he sometimes does when they are alone, but deep down he knows it's a bad idea. Jin probably wouldn't mind, but who knows who else is in there.

As Kame turns his key in the lock, he shakes his head and feels a bit silly. If he wants to catch up with Jin, he should just contact him directly. It's not that he's avoiding him - bumping into him at the Bruno Mars live a couple of years ago had, unexpectedly, felt like a good surprise. He guesses they had both feared meeting again would be messier, more painful, with old arguments re-surfacing. Instead Kame had left that concert feeling relaxed and at peace. Like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

However, he hadn't actively tried to see him again, and neither had Jin. Their paths had crossed a handful of other times - at Nakamaru's, at Yamapi's and at a mutual acquaintance's wedding. They usually only exchanged a few words, but Kame was glad to see that Jin's smile of recognition was always genuine. What’s more, it also grew and less and less uncomfortable every time.

He didn't let himself dwell on it for too long, though. He was well aware of his weaknesses.

In the end, it takes them over a year to actually exchange numbers and catch up.

***  
Jin sticks a band-aid on the little girl's knee and promises her she'll be okay. He's just finished wiping Angelina's tears when he hears a crash from the living room.

"Fuck," he mutters, and belatedly realises he said a swearword in front of a child.

It turns out the girls just accidentally shattered a plate.

"It's alright, it's alright!" he calls out as he grabs a broom. "Just... don't move!"

Thank God Theia's friends are obedient. Supervising their afternoon party on his own is more complicated than he'd expected.

"Dad? Daddy?"

"I'll be done in a minute, darling.” He’s trying to sound reassuring, but his voice is strained. “Just give me a moment."

He checks that the floor is safe - no child will get hurt on his watch. Because he can totally handle this.

"Daddy..." Theia points towards the kitchen where the kettle is whistling.

To Jin's horror, one of the girls, whose name he forgot, is tiptoeing towards it. He swears and runs over. 

"Don't!"

The girl jumps in surprise and looks a bit scared. He feels a bit guilty - he hadn't meant to shout at her.

"I'll take care of it," he says as he forces his voice to sound calmer and tries to smile. "Kettles are adult business. You'll learn all about it when you grow up."

The girl just stares at him and runs back out into the living room.

Jin used to be confused when his friends told him they had to attend birthday parties their kids were invited to. Now he understands why. Constantly watching everyone is exhausting. He's been running around the apartment almost all afternoon, somehow trying to be everywhere at the same time.

He's always been good with kids. But helping out is different than actually being the one in charge. He doesn't remember being so worried that something would go wrong when he spent time with Shirota's sister. He supposes ignorance was bliss.   
He's also never been in charge of watching over seven kids at the same time. But the girls look happy, and that's all that matters. 

Their moms would probably kill him if they found out he's used the F-word in front of them.

Other than that, he's doing pretty well, he thinks. He sits down for a second; he's got an eye on them, everything is fine.

Until the smell of a burnt cake reaches him.

***

The kids give his cake a sniff and decide to ignore it. The birthday girl, Theia’s best friend, thankfully doesn't throw a tantrum but Jin can tell she's disappointed. At least the cake she got for her real birthday was perfect, according to what his daughter told him.

A few hours later, Theia is safely tucked in bed and Jin can finally breathe.

The couch creaks under him as he lies down. He sighs and closes his eyes.

Most of the time, he feels like he's handling his family responsibilities rather well. But after today’s incidents, his confidence has taken a blow. Angelina's mom had frowned when she saw the band-aid on her child's knee. Another mom had eyed his cake suspiciously.

To be honest, he kind of feels like a shitty dad tonight.  
Itching for a smoke, he reaches out for his cigarettes but at the last minute he takes his electronic one instead. At least, the apartment has been smoke-free long enough for the living room to be children-friendly, and he shouldn’t ruin that.

He doesn't actually suck at everything, he tells himself vindictively. No parent is perfect.  
Still, sometimes he feels like he's below expectations. 

Jin takes a deep breath and tries to relax. 

***

"I think you worry too much," Pi says over a martini. They're having drinks at his place, and Jin drinking has resulted in him spilling his newest issues.

"But you should've seen the other parents' faces... I swear, it was like 'Akanishi is just as bad as we thought'..."

"Aren't you being a little paranoid? Kids bump into things and get hurt all the time. And when did a burnt cake become such a big deal?"

Jin looks at his hands. Okay, maybe being tired and tipsy makes him more melodramatic than necessary. Alcohol usually brings out his happy side, except when he's in one of his anxious phases, which seems to be the case lately. Pi doesn’t judge him, he’s already seen worse. 

Jin rubs his nose and tries to pull himself together. Getting drunk over a failed birthday party isn't going to get him anywhere.

"I'm sorry for bothering you with this," he mumbles. "I'll try not to suck this much next time - I won't drink when I'm feeling like this anymore."

Pi frowns.  
"You don't suck, you're doing great. And when you're feeling like this, I do want to hear about it."

Jin squirms.

"You want to hear about lame cakes and frowning mums—"

"I want to hear your self-depreciation,” Pi cuts him off. “Because someone needs to tell you that it's bullshit."

Jin smiles weakly.  
"Well, thanks for always listening to my ‘bullshit’, then."

Pi fills up his glass and Jin draws back into his thoughts. He guesses Meisa would have been the first to tell him if there was anything wrong with the way he was handling things, and she usually was perfectly happy with his ways. Despite that, he sometimes couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t living up to people’s standards. It was easy for him to persuade himself that he was just a dumbass pretending he knows what he's doing, when in fact he feels a bit lost.

Pi clicks his tongue and frowns again.  
"Don’t get that overthinking face. You should give yourself more credit. I’m sure you did fine."

Jin hums and takes a gulp.  
They drink in silence and Jin lets Pi's calming presence wash over him.

"Enough about me," he finally says. "Tell me about that chick you met the other night."

Pi groans.  
Jin grins.

***

Fingers are slowly massaging his scalp. Jin closes his eyes and relaxes. Lukewarm water is being poured over his hair while the hairdresser works his magic. He could almost fall asleep like this, to the lovely sensation of someone playing with his locks. Still, he should probably stay awake in case he needs to answer questions about the hairstyle he wants. He hasn’t been here over the past few months, this isn’t his usual hairdresser; but with a week-end in China coming up, his hair needs revamping.

He inhales slowly and allows himself to shut his brain off just for a few moments. The hairdresser occasionally says a few things about the products he’s using and Jin just hums along. With the price he’s paying, he trusts him to use the best stuff there is.

The hairdresser leaves him for a few moments and comes back with plastic curlers.  
Here he goes, time to look like a granny. Jin always hates this part – thank God, he’s in a luxury salon where no one can see him. But everyone tells him he looks good with fluffy hair, so it’s probably worth the sacrifice.

He flips out his phone, just for something better to do than staring at his own reflection. As he scrolls down his contacts, he hovers over Kame’s name. He’s the one who recommended this place to him. Nice and private, just the way he likes it. Jin pictures him with his curlers on and smiles.

When he last saw Pi, the latter had said Kazuya has more free time these days, what with KAT-TUN’s hiatus and everything. Jin had just absently nodded, too busy thinking about his own problems. However, now that he’s here with nothing to distract him, he thinks twice.

 

***

They end up meeting at Kame’s place. It’s simpler that way – they don’t have to worry about who has a camera and where. Johnny still isn’t a fan of his favourites being seen with Jin, and with the current state of affairs… Jin guesses Kame doesn’t want to anger him. If the elder were in his place, he’d tell Johnny to go fuck himself, with all the bullshit he’s put KAT-TUN through – but Jin knows Kame isn’t like that.

The host is serving two crystal glasses of whisky and Jin finds himself thinking that Kazuya looks nowhere near what he did two years earlier when they first saw each other again. Seeing the younger that skinny again at the live had been a bit scary – it had made unexpected worries surge back out of nowhere.  
But Jin had reasoned with himself that that Kame was still healthier than he used to be, and probably knew what he was doing.  
Pi had also told him not to worry.

Tonight, Kame’s hair is still black and is falling into his eyes. His arms look a bit tight in his jacket and Jin is tempted to ask what Kame has been up to, if it’s the baseball that gave him that as well as his tan – but he feels unexplainably shy. He's not exactly sure where they stand. They do share some camaraderie despite the awkwardness – it would be impossible not to, with their shared past experiences. One doesn't simply brush off years of friendship, even after years of not staying in touch.

They're not exactly friends anymore, but there's enough kindness in Kame's eyes that Jin thinks that maybe one day, they'll get there. Kazuya definitely seems glad to reconnect, and Jin has to admit it feels nice.

The younger hands him his glass and sits down next to him.

“Kampai!”

Their elegant glasses clink and Kame smiles.

“Thanks for having me over,” he says.

“Pleasure.”

Jin drinks up. The whisky burns slightly and is smoked.

“This is good…”

Kame seems pleased to hear that.

“You bet it is. There’s a specialty store not too far from here, they import the best whiskies from all over the world.”

He gets up to fetch the bottle and share some of its rare qualities. Does Jin know how whisky gets smoked? Or that Japan is actually starting to get a reputation of its own in the field? He doesn’t, but he enjoys hearing about it nonetheless. He smiles, realising that Kame still has the same spark in his eye when he starts getting passionate about something. What’s more, Jin knows how to enjoy good whisky and that’s what matters. He hums his approval to Kazuya’s explanations, but in the end the younger peers at him suspiciously over his glass.

“You’re allowed to ask me to change the topic. I didn’t invite you over to bore you to death.”

Jin protests, but Kame has already changed the subject to something more familiar.

“How’s Theia doing?”

***

A few glasses later, Jin’s tongue loosens and he talks more freely. They mention Jin’s work, auditions he’s passing. Kame talks about going to Rio, and his golden skin is no longer a mystery.  
They also talk about how bad Pi is at golf. It’s growing late, but now that they’re finally slipping into the longest comfortable discussion they’ve had in years, Jin doesn’t feel like leaving just yet. 

All is well, until Jin blurts out something that’s been on his mind since the beginning of the evening.

“You know what’s weird about drinking with you?”

Kame looks taken aback for a moment, then schools his features back into a more neutral expression.  
“Weird?”

That came out wrong. He wants Kame’s carefree smile back.

“I didn’t mean it like it’s something bad. What I meant was… it’s weird that with you, drinking whisky in nice glasses feels like a mature thing to do. When I get drunk with my friends I feel like I messed something up in the adult-behaviour rules.”

Kame raises his eyebrows. “Are you getting drunk right now?”

“No.”

Why is he always bad at explaining things? Kazuya is eyeing him cautiously and he can’t help thinking he didn’t get the right message across to him.

“Being allowed to drink is part of the adult package Jin. Becoming an adult doesn’t mean the fun is over.”  
–Kame frowns slightly, and Jin sees the wheels turning– “Do you feel adult-like with me because drinking with me is no fun?”

“What? No! That’s not what I meant.” He stammers. The evening had been going so well, why did he have to go and ruin it all with…   
Then Kame starts chuckling and elbows him.

“I’m joking, calm down.”

Jin breathes.

Kame however quickly goes back to looking thoughtful.  
He’s quiet for a few moments.

“Has someone been telling you you’re doing something wrong?” he finally asks. “Why are you suddenly worried about what’s adult-enough and what’s not?”

When Jin had come here, he hadn’t expected to end up talking about this again. It was the kind of topic he brought up with close friends like Pi… not… not estranged friends who he hardly speaks to. Maybe the ease with which he slipped back into talking about personal issues is a sign that his and Kame’s bond is still there somewhere, deep down.

“No one has been telling me anything…” He says. “I just want to do things right.”

Kame looks at him carefully.

“If I remember things correctly,” he says, “you have a knack of making things always turn out unexpectedly well for yourself.”

Jin has to admit his life has turned out pretty well, considering how many people had been eager to ruin it. 

“Well I’ve been lucky a few times.”

Kame scoffs lightly, but he’s smiling.

“Maybe. But I think deep down you know what you’re doing.”

True, sometimes, Jin thinks he does have a greater plan. But then why did it so often feel like he had no idea what he was doing?

“I don’t know… the older I get, the more anxious I get that I’ll somehow fuck it all up.”

“I hear that often happens to new parents. Being anxious isn’t all bad, it can sometimes help you do your best…”

It’s Jin’s turn to scoff.

“Or it can paralyse you into avoiding things for years,” he replies without thinking.

Kame gives him a surprised look.   
Jin thinks he probably said too much, but it’s too late now.

“Well,” the younger says slowly. Unlike him, he seems to specifically want to avoid blurting out his thoughts too quickly. “Sometimes when you stop avoiding people and things… you realise there was nothing to worry about.”

A smile creeps back onto his face – it’s warm and helps his guest relax a little. 

“We all make things more complicated than they ought to be sometimes.” Kame adds, like an afterthought.

Although Jin can’t say he knows Kame by heart anymore, he can tell his smile is just a little bittersweet.


	2. Chapter 2

Jin closes the door quietly and toes his shoes off. It’s been a long and exhausting day at work, but he got a lot of stuff done, so all in all he’s satisfied.  
Lights are dancing on the living room’s walls – Meisa is watching a movie while Theia is already asleep.

“Hey,” he whispers as he slips into the room and then onto the couch.

On screen, a young Leonardo DiCaprio is walking around a huge mansion in a cool knight costume. Meisa is half watching it, half scrolling on her phone. She looks up and smiles to greet him.

“Romeo and Juliet?” he asks, “I haven’t seen that in ages.”

“Same. It’s nice to re-watch it though, I used to be crazy about Leo as a kid.”

Jin snorts.  
“You weren’t the only one.”

Meisa raises an eyebrow at him.

“Not me, Kame. He used to love this movie to death and made me watch it a billion times.”

“I was going to ask if your mom was a fan,” she smiles thoughtfully. “But good to know Kamenashi likes him.”

He smirks.

“ _Likes_ is an understatement.”

Those movies were teenage Kame’s life. It almost makes him feel nostalgic to see young Leo on screen. Nostalgic for days when he would tease Kame mercilessly about his passion. He hasn’t thought about those days in years.

His eyelids start to droop, but he doesn’t want to fall asleep just yet. He can’t just let the evening slip by without enjoying any of his time off, especially since Meisa is also free…  
He blinks and struggles against his sleepiness. As he squints at the screen, his vision grows blurry.

In the end, he gives in and relaxes against the comfy couch.

His mind seems to decide this is a good time to wander towards old memories.

 

***

_Gokusen’s wrap-up party is at some producer’s house – one of the safest options to avoid paparazzi’s.  
While that would’ve been a pointless precaution a few months ago, things have drastically changed since then._

_The other guys send Jin to look for more bottles so he starts wandering around the house. The kitchen looks like it’s already been raided, so he moves further along the corridor. He’s not sure he’s supposed to wander, but he’s on a mission. He can’t let his friends down._

_It’s quieter in these parts, his path only lit by a few faint blue lights.  
As Jin turns the corner, he stops in his tracks._

_A huge aquarium stands before him, taking up most of the dark room he just walked into. Coloured fish are swimming through what looks like an expensive assortment of rocks and algae. Of course, he immediately has to go get Kame._

_***_

_“Look!”_

_“What?”_

_Jin sighs exasperatedly and walks to the other side to wave at Kame through the glass. His friend rolls his eyes and still looks intrigued. His eyes wander across the little blue fish and the larger ones with yellow stripes. The water’s subtle noise doesn’t cover the beat from the party music a few rooms away, but the area is still much more peaceful than where they come from. At least Kazuya seems to like watching their calm little world._

_“Why exactly did you bring me here?”_

_Jin smirks at him through the aquarium._

_“Come on. How can a Leo fanboy like you not recognize this setting?”_

_Realisation dawns on the younger’s face. It’s hard to tell with the faint lighting, but the way he looks to the side and avoids Jin’s gaze makes the latter wonder if that’s a blush Kame is hiding.  
Long strands of hair brush against his brow and Jin finds himself staring at the way it frames his face. Kazuya is no Juliet but he sure is beautiful._

_Kazuya. Beautiful.  
It shakes Jin to realise this is the first time he’s associated those two words in his mind._

_When Kame looks up, their eyes meet._

_Something about that exchange feels unexpectedly intense.  
Maybe Kame caught him staring?_

_His heart in his throat, Jin does the first thing that comes to mind to diffuse the tension: he makes silly kissy faces through the water._

_It works, because Kame immediately gets his judging-you face on.  
Jin knows how to deal with that. It also makes it easier for him to ignore his earlier realisation._

_“I don’t think that was in the movie.” Kame says, and although his face is trying to stay serious, Jin sees a reluctant smile tugging at his lips._

_When the older starts batting his eyelashes, and gives out more kissy faces, Kame gives in and snorts.  
He looks away, as if to gather his spirits. Ryu’s character probably got to him, because his face is even more often schooled into cool expressions lately._

_Or maybe Jin thinking he’s even cooler than before has something to do with his earlier unexpected thought. The truth is, Kame has been particularly handsome for a while, not just tonight._

_The next time their eyes meet, Kazuya is smiling openly._

_Jin’s heart swells. He did that – he put that pretty smile on that face. He’s too drunk to look at things objectively, but deep down he knows watching Kame’s face doesn’t usually make him feel this warm and fuzzy. Sure, he’s always glad to see him happy but tonight… something feels different._

_Kazuya finally walks to the other side of the aquarium to pull him back to the rest of the party._

_“Why are we leaving?” he protests. “You’re supposed to love this!”_

_The younger’s grip grows stronger as he tugs him away._

_“Is this the part where you pull me to the elevator and kiss me?” Jin blurts out.  
Ha, Kame probably didn’t expect him to remember the movie that well._

_Kame freezes._

_Jin vaguely registers that although that was supposed to be a joke, it doesn’t seem to make him laugh._

_Kazuya ends up giving him a casual smile. The older knows that expression – it’s Ryu’s guarded one._

_He wishes he could see his earlier smile instead. The gentle one._

_“There’s no elevator here,” Kame finally replies._

_The redhead’s gaze stays caught on his face, as if he’s searching for something. But then the moment is gone, and Kazuya pulls him away from the producer’s private quarters for good._

_Jin remembers spending a lot of time thinking things over upon waking up the next day. Wondering where the hell those things he’d said had come from. Where those thoughts had come from. He remembers how excruciatingly beautiful Kame had looked and he realises that maybe his bad joke had been wishful thinking._

_***  
Jin’s memory shifts to a few months later. KAT-TUN are getting ready to go home after a TV show is over. Ueda has taken a while to finish getting his hair restyled, but Nakamaru eventually makes him leave, so that Jin and Kame are the last ones left._

_“Sorry for messing up the steps…” Jin says to the almost empty room._

_Kame looks up at him, wet bangs falling across his eyes.  
Jin hates to admit it but this is one of those days when Kame looks so beautiful it hurts. He hates that he knows the way he feels about Kame is different from what he feels for all his other friends, but that he has no idea how to handle it._

_Enjoying someone’s looks and presence is one thing. Being sure of wanting more is another. It’s been on Jin’s mind for a while and he still can’t make up his mind.  
Does he just feel drawn to him because they are close friends and he cares a lot for him? Wouldn’t an attempt at something more just freak them both out and ruin everything?_

_“Don’t worry.”_

_There's that sincere smile again: the one Kame gave him on stage just after kicking him. The same one that made Jin’s heart squeeze._

_“What are you doing tonight?” he asks._

_Kame feigns a casual tone._

_“Koizumi said I could come over. But… I didn’t confirm anything yet.”_

_“Oh.”_

_Imagining him with Koizumi is unpleasant. Jin chastises himself: what right does he have to feel jealous when he’s not even sure of what he wants? But no matter what he tells himself, he can’t help feeling envious. The younger eyes him expectantly; but since the conversation doesn’t seem to go any further, he turns back to his clothes._

_The older’s eyes linger on his curvy back. He thinks of Koizumi touching him and feels more and more pissed._

_“Jin, is everything OK?”_

_He’s probably been staring for longer than he ought to since Kame is now facing him, a worried look on his face. His cheeks grow warm._

_“Yeah, sure.”_

_“You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”_

_“Nothing’s wrong. Enjoy your evening.” Jin tries to sound enthusiastic but Kame seems to notice something is off. He sends him a questioning look as he finishes closing his shirt._

_“I think you need a drink. How about you come over to my place? I’ll see Koizumi tomorrow.”_

_***_

_The whole evening, Jin feels jittery. And that’s weird because his discomfort around Kame has never been this bad before.  
Except for the day after that Gokusen wrap-up party last year._

_Kame offers him a few beers, Jin says he wouldn’t mind something stronger._

_The more he drinks, the more he’s sure he looks at Kazuya more than he should. He also starts asking Kame invasive questions and if Kame wasn’t also drinking he’d probably hit him._

_“Why are you with her?”_

_Kame scowls._

_“Why do I have to give you a reason? I like her. I never ask you why you’re constantly dating models.”_

_Constantly? That’s an exaggeration but Jin doesn’t want this conversation to be about him. Yeah, he likes hot models. So what?  
Jin’s insides twist._

_“Yeah but. Do you really... like_ like _her?”_

_Kame rolls his eyes._

_“I don’t know, I just…” Jin stammers. “I thought you were into different kinds of people.”_

_Kazuya’s eyes narrow. He looks at him quietly for a few moments._

_“What’s that supposed to mean?”_

I thought you were into me, or at least… I hope you are, _Jin thinks desperately._

_He thinks he’s not the only one giving in to lingering stares and suffering from occasional awkward stammering. Sometimes he thinks he catches signs that Kame might be sharing some of his inner turmoil. But he can’t be sure, no matter what Pi and Ryo sometimes suggest._

_He can’t possibly voice those thoughts and risk ruining their friendship.  
Maybe he can take risks with something else though._

_“I… Please don’t be mad at me for suggesting this but… after seeing you not give a shit about girls for so long, I thought you were into guys.”_

_All the blood seems to drain from Kame’s face._

_“What...?” he croaks._

_“I swear I wouldn’t mind.” Jin hurriedly adds, terrified that his friend is about to kick him out._

_Kame frowns._

_“I like girls. You know that.” He says firmly._

_But the older knows faked confidence when he sees it, especially where Kame is concerned. He’s seen that expression on him so many times before… although lately his friend doesn’t need it much anymore and can rely on real confidence._

_Jin wishes he could tell him it’s okay, that he doesn’t have to pretend around him. But the topic is still terrifying so instead, he replies: “Yeah, but you can like both…”_

_Kame’s frown deepens. He looks away and bites his lip, like he’s having an internal battle over what to say.  
Jin’s heart starts beating faster because he feels like anytime, his friend will confess something he’s been wondering about for a long time._

_Kazuya wipes his hands on his knees and bites the insides of his cheeks._

_Then he slowly turns back to him._

_“Do you?”_

_Jin chokes on his cocktail.  
He later blames panic for making him lie._

_“Girls are my thing.”_

_Kame nods and escapes to the kitchen._

_***_

_A couple of hours later Jin decides to stay over, because he’d rather not be seen drunk outdoors. Johnny-san seems to vaguely hint at a debut, and he doesn’t want to risk fucking that up. They’re curled up in Kame’s bed and Kame looks like he’s almost falling asleep, but Jin is frustrated that he wasn’t entirely honest earlier._

_Or maybe the alcohol is just giving him dangerous urges to talk too much.  
The last sane parts of his brain urge him to shut up, but the drunk parts overpower them easily._

_“Kame?”_

_“Hm?” comes the muffled reply._

_Jin takes a deep breath._

_“About what I said earlier…” His throat closes up. Is he really doing this? He takes another breath and continues. “Girls are my thing. But… sometimes I wonder what it would be like with a guy.”_

_He leaves out the fact that his doubts aren’t just about “a guy” but about a certain best friend currently lying next to him._  
His heart beats like crazy as he waits for a reply.  
He can’t hear Kame’s steady breathing anymore so he guesses he’s well awake. 

_“…Really?” comes a cautious mumble._

_Jin relaxes a bit. Apparently, Kame isn’t too freaked out (yet)._

_“Yeah…”_

_Kame is quiet for the longest time, until Jin almost wonders if he fell asleep.  
But then he hears the covers rustle as Kame draws nearer. They aren’t touching, but Jin can feel his body warmth nearby. His pulse skyrockets._

_“And um… do you often think about it?” the younger whispers._

_Jin feels his body get warm, like he’s blushing from head to toe._

_“I don’t know, not really…” He mutters uncomfortably, “But it happens. Sometimes. I guess that for now I’m just a little confused.”_

_Kame is quiet again.  
It’s driving Jin crazy. If he’s going to have to stay on edge for much longer he’s going to lose his mind._

_“Thanks for trusting me with this.” Kazuya finally says softly. He hasn’t used such a gentle voice with him in a long time and it feels nice. Intimate. “… It kind of makes me feel bad for lying to you earlier.”_

_“Oh?” Jin says weakly._  
Oh God.  
It takes all his self-restraint to not do something dumb before Kame has a chance to speak. 

_“I… I do like guys. A lot more than girls actually,” the younger breathes out._

_Oh God it’s true then._  
Jin resists the urge to punch the air in victory.   
Instead, he smiles - until he remembers Kame can’t see him. 

_“I knew it.” He can’t help some of his self-satisfaction from showing._

_“Shut up…” Kame mutters and elbows him in the ribs._

_Well, that conversation went much better than expected. They’re back to easy bantering and Jin feels relief wash over him._

_“Ne, Kame?”_

_“Hm?”_

_He slowly sticks his fingers in the crook of Kame’s elbow and ignores the way such a simple gesture makes him suddenly nervous._

_“Thanks for telling me.”_

_He doesn’t get anything other than a sleepy hum as reply._

_Although his tipsy mind tells him cuddling would be really nice, he holds back. Because what he told his friend is true: he does think about it… but he’s not sure. He can’t really wrap his head around the idea of being physically intimate with a man yet. Despite his confusing thoughts, he can't afford to risk giving Kame the wrong idea. Experimenting with Kame of all people is out of question: it’s not worth ruining all those years of friendship._


	3. Chapter 3

Summer slips into Autumn, and the end of 2016 is already drawing near. When Kame is not busy, he spends more time training for Going or visiting family. He never misses a birthday party and often comes over just to spend time with his nieces. They’re particularly happy to enjoy his cooking – which until then had been reserved for special occasions.

He hasn’t seen Jin since their previous encounter, but now the latter occasionally texts him to update him on topics they’d discussed at Kame’s. He’s glad to learn that his friend got that Chinese drama part and that his next attempt at baking a cake went much better.

Pi living next door has Kame accidentally running into other forgotten old acquaintances. He doesn’t even recognize Jimmy Mackey until he realises a super tall guy is squinting at him in the entrance hall, as if he’s trying to remember why Kame looks familiar.

Kazuya is actually surprised when one night, Pi texts him:

_Ryo-chan is here, do you wanna come over?_

And so he ends up getting back in touch with more old acquaintances than he’d ever planned to.

 

As Autumn gives way to Winter, the weather gets rather unstable: one day it’s warm, the next it’s almost snowing. On Saturday mornings, if the sky is clear and Kame is free, he goes grocery shopping at the local market. Not constantly rushing is a nice change - for the first time in ages, he has the time to stroll through the stalls and talk to the vendors. He loves hearing their recommendations and trying out new recipes. It’s a nicer experience than having his usual helper buy everything for him from a list.  
A few people recognize him but they’re uninterested enough to leave him be. He did recommend the neighbourhood to Pi for good reasons after all.

On one of those days, he arrives back home with a roast chicken he just bought – he’s in the mood for European. He starts preparing a wine-based sauce and is about to start chopping potatoes when his phone rings.

He wipes his hands and is surprised to see the caller id is Jin’s.

“Hey,” he quickly says, barely catching the call in time.

“Hi,” Jin replies, “Are you busy right now?”

Kame raises his eyebrows. It's a late Saturday morning, which is nowhere near the usual time of the day when Jin is free to catch up.

“I’m cooking. Is everything okay?”

It turns out Jin was supposed to join Pi for lunch, but his friend somehow got them both locked out.

“If you were home and free, I thought I’d drop by and say hi… but if you’d rather I didn’t come right now it’s fine. I’ll have a walk around while Pi fetches his extra-k—”

“Come over, sure!” Kame interrupts him.

“Oh." A pause. "That’s… great!” Although Kame can’t see him, he can picture his embarrassed smile. “Well, I’m actually on your doorstep already.”

Kame snorts.

“You could’ve rung the bell straight away.”

***

Jin’s face is pure bliss as soon as he steps into the kitchen and inhales the smell.

“I’m almost tempted to tell Pi not to bother making us lunch after all…”

Kame laughs.

“Well if I were you… I wouldn’t let him down if he’s been planning to cook for you. But if he’s not in the mood after his key incident, you’re both welcome to join me.”

Jin is peering in the oven where the chicken is staying warm. He eyes the crusty skin, and his mouth starts to water.

Kame hands him his phone with a smirk.

“Just call him. I was going to keep some for tomorrow but we can eat it all now.”

The older smiles bashfully and starts dialling. Meanwhile Kame heads back to the potatoes on the counter.

Morning sunlight is splashing over half the room, keeping them warm.  
The only noise is Jin’s low voice into his phone, the sauce simmering and Kame’s knife going chop, chop, chop. It strikes the younger how nice it is to be able to feel this relaxed around his ex-best friend.  
He could be cooking alongside his niece, it would be the same. Well – almost, he thinks, as he catches Jin’s profile in the sunlight, as the latter is looking out the window.

Of course, Jin is still beautiful. But Kame has learnt not to torture himself with his attraction to him anymore.  
Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he remembers wanting Jin so much it drove him nuts, but that was a long time ago. Now his thoughts are nostalgic at most.

Alright, maybe that’s a little lie.  
He still thinks Jin is hot as hell. But he’s learnt not to dwell on it; and falling in love with other people after Jin has helped him take a step back from those old feelings.  
He remembers restless nights, anguish and jealousy. He’s infinitely glad that he isn’t affected that way anymore.

Staying out of touch for so long was probably a good idea. There’s no other way Kame could have been so casual about still reacting to Jin’s presence.

It’s no longer a nerve-wracking twist of his insides.  
But a subtle warm fuzzy feeling he can live with instead.

Jin ends the call and joins him.

“Pi’s coming. Can I help?”

 

A few minutes later, Yamapi’s stomach rumbles loudly as he steps in. Kame serves them his home-made fries and gets ready to cut the chicken.

“What part do you guys want?”

They settle around his kitchen table and dig in, loudly expressing how delicious the food is.  
Kame smiles. Getting together as simply as this is nice. And since Jin had seemed to unreasonably worry about what’s adult enough or not… maybe it’s good thing for him to see they don’t need to drink to be on good terms.

Jin starts talking about his New Year’s Eve plans. He and a handful of friends intend to get together for a boat party – once they’re all respectively done with their family dinners. He excitedly shows them pictures of the boat, and although it’s a bit over the top, Kame has to admit it’s a perfect way to avoid both grumpy neighbours and unwanted paparazzi’s.

“I’ll join you after the Countdown live if that’s okay,” Pi says.

“Sure, the boat will stay docked until everyone arrives.”

Kame is surprised when Jin then turns to him and asks, “You’re more than welcome to come too. Do you think you could make it?”

He doesn’t have the heart to ruin the mood by telling them he won’t be on Countdown anyway, so he tells them he’ll let them know.

***

When Jin steps on board, most of his friends are already there and the party is going wild. It had taken a bit longer than anticipated for Theia to fall asleep, but with the excitement of Fireworks on TV and a big family dinner, in retrospect he tells himself maybe he could’ve expected it. His mom is sleeping at their place to keep an eye on her and Meisa is heading to a party of her own.

He and his closest friends have cabins on board where they can spend the night, so no one has to worry about getting home.

As he slides through the small crowd to get a drink at the bar, he’s pleasantly surprised to spot Kame talking to one of his ex-dancers… an American one. It makes him wonder just how much Kame’s English has improved. Then he sees the younger’s face go blank as he tries to figure out what the dancer is talking about.

Since the younger's hands are empty, he orders two cocktails and brings them over.

“Hey,” he says with a smile as he steps between them.

Kame’s face brightens up.

Jin feels his heart soar and tries to convince himself it’s just because he’d missed seeing Kame’s carefree smile. The same way he’s tried to disregard the memories that resurfaced a few weeks earlier.  
The truth is, it surprises him a little bit how easily he slipped back into caring that much for Kazuya’s well-being.

Maybe he’s just trying to be a good host and just wants to make sure Kame is enjoying himself… which would be a good excuse for him to be particularly glad that Kazuya’s sending a warm smile his way.  
Yeah, right.

Did that also explain his more recent memory of noticing Kame’s muscles flexing under his shirt while he was making him and Pi lunch?

He clinks his glass against Kame’s and drinks up to avoid going down that train of thoughts.

“Did you bring anyone with you?” he asks, his voice carefully casual - he’d told him he could bring a plus one.  
When Kame nods, his heart misses a beat.

“Oh.”

Kame’s eyes are twinkling, as if there’s something funny but Jin doesn’t get it.

“Nakamaru is up on the deck,” Kame adds after a beat.  
Jin must’ve made a shocked face because Kame starts laughing.

 

Three hours later, half the guests have either left or went to sleep. The rest are at various levels of inebriation. One of the signs that people are drunk is the change in music style… cool music being replaced by cheesy classics a handful of people enthusiastically sing along to.  
Kame looks surprisingly collected, the only sign of how much he’s drunk being that his laugh sounds less dignified (although Jin has already heard a sober Kame give in to fits of giggles that would put drunk Kame to shame. It may have been years ago, but some memories are imprinted in Jin’s brain for all eternity).

When someone puts on an old senpai song, Jin groans. That better not be a drunk Yamapi handling the playlist. Jin isn’t drunk enough to sing along to anything JE related.

“I need some air.”

He takes the stairs towards the deck and Kame follows.  
Once out in the open he lights a cigarette.  
Kame absently whistles a familiar melody, and it takes Jin a few seconds to recognize _Kanashimi blue_ – he hears the muffled melody also being played downstairs. Jin scowls, but that only makes Kame smirk.

But the latter says nothing and they both lean on the railing. The fresh breeze feels welcome after they've been confined for so long. They watch the view in silence (or as much silence the beat downstairs gives them). Rainbow bridge isn’t too far off and Tokyo Tower is bright red on the side. They probably aren’t covered enough to stay outside but the alcohol has them feeling warm.

Jin breathes out a puff of smoke and relaxes. When his eyes fall back to Kame, he notices his hand is stretched out, as if he also wants to take a drag.  
As Jin hands him the cigarette, he’s hyper-aware of the way their fingers almost brush. Of the way Kame’s mouth is enclosed over something that was in his mouth just a few seconds earlier.

He looks back towards Rainbow Bridge and feels dumb. How old is he, twelve?

When he stretches his hand to get the cigarette back, he notices Kame absent-mindedly mouthing half the lyrics along to another senpai song. He wants to be mad at Kame wasting half the cigarette, but the younger’s eyebrows are playfully intense as he loses himself in the silly song, and Jin barely manages to hold in a snort. He keeps his gaze on him and wonders how long Kazuya will go on.

Kame stops himself in the middle of “You are my shelt–”, finally noticing Jin’s stare.  
He’d expected a glare but gets a gently amused smile instead.  
The smile Jin gets in return is warm – maybe just a little embarrassed.

Why are his and Kame’s locked gazes always this intense? It feels like they're back at staring at each other through the aquarium and Jin once more feels the urge to do something dumb.

 

"Hey do you think I could take the boat further out in the bay?" he asks, suddenly struck by an idea. “Everyone is too pissed to notice us moving anyway.”

Kame looks horrified.  
"Can you even drive a boat?!"

Jin shrugs.  
"It's probably easy anyway."

He moves towards the captain's cabin but Kame is quick and snatches his shoulder. 

"No fucking way!"

Seems that even a drunk Kamenashi is a reasonable Kamenashi.  
Except where singing senpai songs is concerned.

Jin pulls away.  
"Come ooon,” he whines, “it will be fun!" 

Kame pulls Jin back and Jin starts giggling uncontrollably.  
Shit, he’s more drunk than he thought.  
His feet feel clumsy. But Kame is still holding him back. Warm and solid.

Their breath is coming out in fumes in the cold air.  
Jin suddenly stops pulling and relaxes, thoughtlessly leaning against his friend. 

For a few moments Kame thinks Jin is going to move, but the latter seems content to just stay where he is.

"Um..." Kame says, his hands still on Jin's shoulders.

"It's cold..." The older mutters, as if that explains everything. His back feels warmer where it's tucked against Kame's chest.

"...Maybe we should we go back inside then?"

Jin harrumphs.  
“The others are too drunk by now.” Or in other words, he doesn’t feel up to listening to more old Jpop than what he’s already heard. “Can we go to your room instead?”

He turns his head and meets Kame’s gaze again. It's soft and lingering... just the way his arms feel around his shoulders.

"Kame?" he whispers.

Kazuya blinks and steps back. He'd unconsciously started leaning against Jin too.

"Yeah. Let's go inside."

***

Jin follows Kame to his cabin. He spots the bottles of whisky in the mini-bar while Kame sits on the bed.

"I bet it's not as good as the whisky at your place."

"Yeah ..." Kazuya smiles. "You should come over for another drink sometime."

Jin smiles back and leaves the bottles untouched. They've had more than enough to drink already. He plops himself onto the bed and settles against the headboard. He then notices Kame eyeing his shoes and takes them off with a muttered apology. Kazuya shakes his head like it's nothing and follows suit.

The older takes out his electronic cigarette, since he knows Kame hates the smell of actual cigarettes in the bedroom.

"...Do you mind?"

"Not at all."

They sit in silence for a few moments, Jin smoking, Kame sleepily watching the sky through the small window. Sunlight is already slowly creeping into the night view. The younger blinks slowly, on the verge of dozing off.

"So... what are your plans for next year?" Jin asks.

"Next year?" he croaks as he tries to revive his brain and rubs his eyes. A hollow laugh escapes his lips. Dread settles in Jin’s stomach as he realises that might have been a bad question. "I've learnt not to have any expectations for next year." Kame finally says.

The older’s face turns sombre.

"...Sorry."

"No, it's... You’re allowed to ask. It's just a bit complicated."

Jin stays quiet. After a moment, he offers Kame his cigarette.

Kame looks at it curiously.

"You know, I've actually never tried this stuff."

Glad to be back on a lighter topic, Jin tells him how it works. It's simple, really. They exchange a few smokes and Jin's eyelids grow heavy in turn. The bed is just so comfortable, and before he realises it, he's sliding down the bed stand and is comfortably snuggled against the pile of pillows. Kame follows his lead.

“I’m not sure if that’s the boat moving or if I’m just drunk,” the younger mutters.

“I’m pretty sure it’s you,” Jin smirks.

Kame buries his face in the pillow and doesn’t move for the longest time. Until he rolls on his back and keeps his gaze fixed on the ceiling. If they weren’t both drunk, Jin would say Kame has his overthinking face on. But given the state of things, that’s unlikely.

However, when the younger breaks the silence again, Jin realises overthinking isn’t above a drunk Kamenashi.

"When I think there was a time when I wanted to quit..." Kame mumbles, and Jin’s freezes.  
"The tables sure have turned," the younger adds.

He wouldn't usually open up like this. Jin wonders whether it’s the drinks’ fault… or those damn senpai songs’. But if Kame wants to talk about this, he’ll definitely listen. His stomach twists… he wishes he could think of something smart to say to help Kazuya feel better but he can’t say he’s at the top of his game right now. So he asks for more details instead.

"Are you talking about pre-debut or... was there another time?"

"Right now I was thinking about pre-debut."

It's only the answer to half his question, but Jin doesn't pry.  
"Hmm."

Jin wants to say something more than a simple hum, but the topic is a slippery slope and he's not sure it can lead anywhere good. He remembers the way Kame shines on stage. The way he always pushes himself to give everything he’s got. Years ago, he’d once said Kame was the perfect idol, and maybe Kame hadn’t realised it was a compliment, but it was. He also remembers Kazuya’s excitement backstage, his happy smiles at the end of live concerts…

"...I think it's a good thing you didn't."

Kame looks at him, a sad smile on his lips. His look is loaded and Jin feels his face go warm. The younger then heaves a sigh and looks away.

Jin breathes, thinking the conversation is over.  
But then Kame speaks again. 

"You remember why I didn't quit, right?"

Of course, Jin remembers.

"Because when the two of us stormed into Johnny-san's office to complain... he actually promised we would debut."

That bittersweet smile is back. It hurts... Jin hadn't expected to feel this way. He has precious memories of KAT-TUN and has tended to only keep the good ones at the forefront of his mind. But seeing Kame like this... it reminds him of tougher days. It feels even worse when he realises Kame's gone through much more. But he refuses to feel guilty. He and Kame have already talked it through – he knows the younger understands why he had to do what he did.

Kazuya's voice draws him out of his thoughts.

"He promised we would debut together," he says softly. "You and me.” 

Jin’s heart misses a beat. Did he hear him correctly? 

“It was the only reason I needed." Kame adds.

The younger's gaze is back on him and he hasn't looked this vulnerable in a very, very long time.  
Jin is feeling pretty vulnerable himself. His mouth opens to say something but he’s at a loss for words. He hasn't thought about his feelings regarding KAT-TUN in years. Or maybe this is about Kame, not about KAT-TUN. Probably a bit of both.

Kame breaks their eye-contact and ...yes, _the_ Kamenashi is blushing. Kame, who knows how to pretend everything is fine in any circumstances. Does this mean he's accepted to let his guard down around Jin? Or it just that he’s too drunk to keep up the façade?

"Kame..." Jin says and is surprised to hear his voice wobble.

"I shouldn't have said that." Kame says briskly, blinking as he tries to get a grip on himself.

But Jin doesn't want him to take those words back. 

"Kame, look at me."  
He does. His eyes are an open book and Jin feels his heart jump to his throat.

He has to say something. What Kame just said... he can't just say nothing.

Words fail him. Instead, he grips Kame 's shoulder hesitantly.  
The latter's eyes drop to his hand warily.

Jin then crawls nearer and he sees Kame's eyes narrow.  
Maybe he should speak before Kame gets any ideas.

"...Can I hug you?"

Kame's eyebrows slide up.  
"Uh..."

"I really want to hug you. Please." 

Maybe he sounds a little desperate, but this is important. He can’t let Kame think he doesn’t care. Because he does, he fucking does.  
His heart squeezes. He wishes he could just skip the awkward displays of affection and make Kame understand.

Kame hesitates, then gives in and shifts on the bed, so that his back is towards Jin.

Jin welcomes him against his chest and holds him tight, because Kame has to know that he means it.  
He can feel Kame's heart hammering like crazy and he can't help remembering that night all those years ago, when Kame had come out to him and he’d wanted to hug him then, too. He wonders what would've happened if he hadn’t hesitated.

The mattress dips as Kame adjusts his position. He's covering Jin's arms with own.

His thumb brushes the elder’s arm ever so subtly, and the latter almost thinks he imagined it... Then he feels it again, this time more assured.  
In return, he squeezes Kame in his embrace again.

Jin’s heart is pounding too, and he’s sure Kame must feel it. Because he can still feel Kazuya's quick heartbeat... the thought that he's not the only one makes his head spin.

If the younger does notice, that doesn’t stop his breath and heartrate from slowly growing steady and calm.

It takes Jin longer, but a few minutes later he finally falls asleep - to the memory of his and Kame’s voices singing _Kanashimi blue_ in harmony.


	4. Chapter 4

Kame's year kicks off with promotional activities for his new movie - he'd almost forgotten what it was like to be in idol mode so often. He quickly finds out it's only a warm-up for what lies ahead, since he and Yamapi will star in a drama together and will have a single to go with it. What's more, they will also be sent on a trip to LA together. Somehow, it almost seems too good to be true.  
He has all the excuses in the world to be too busy to invite Jin over. 

The truth is he could find the time for their promised drink if he wanted to. But Kame feels horribly embarrassed since their last encounter. When he thinks of his drunken confessions, he groans and makes himself swear never to let himself talk to Jin after heavy drinking again. Then he remembers the way Jin had held him; his gentleness, his affectionate hugs... and he feels unsettled. Because the way his heart aches is familiar, and so is the way his thoughts drift way too often towards memories of Jin's eyes on him. Kame knows he's doomed when he aches to feel his touch again, to feel his arms holding him tight. To hold him in turn.  
Of course, it's not the first time his thoughts get out of hand, but he usually snaps straight out of it. He knows reviving old fantasies will do him no good...  
But fuck, Jin is so hot, it's hard to hold back - even when sober. Not even the guilt of lusting after a married man is enough to make him stop.

His self-preservation instincts do end up kicking in, and he starts to distance himself from him. No calls, barely a few texts. Hopefully he'll have found a way to pull himself together by the time they see each other again. If not, he fears that his feelings for Jin might not stay as simple as nostalgic warm fuzzy feelings anymore... that is, if they were ever simple in the first place. Kame's not sure anymore. One thing is certain: he can't afford to go back to his full-blown obsession and it scares him how easy it is for him to fall for Jin all over again.

What makes it particularly hard to fight his returning feelings is that during these past few months, Kame has seen Jin's gaze slowly but surely shift from being friendly to being just as warm and caring as it was during Gokusen. And Kame can't help it. He's falling for Jin again. Hard.

So, he chooses the easier way out: subtly cutting ties.

***

Kame isn't as subtle as he thinks he is. After several of Jin's texts only get vague replies saying the younger is too busy to see him, the older starts to wonder what's wrong.  
After last time's discussion, did Kame decide that he hates Jin for leaving after all? Or... did he get freaked out by the elder's displays of affection? True, Jin hadn't acted like that around him in a long time. But he used to do that all the time a few years ago, and the younger never complained.

Meisa senses something is off when they're doing the dishes and Jin has looked lost in thought for several minutes.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" she asks gently and takes a plate out of his hands - he's been rinsing it for way too long.

Jin snaps back to attention.  
"Sorry," he mutters apologetically. She dries the plate for him and puts it away.

"You know," she says, "if something's bothering you, I'm here. You can count on me, OK?"

She gently bumps her shoulder against his in support.

Jin smiles. He's grateful to have her in his life no matter how things have turned out between them.

"Thanks for your concern."

He wouldn't mind sharing some of his Kame-related worries with her, but he's not sure how to voice the problem - if there really is one. Maybe he's been paranoid about Kame avoiding him all this time. He should just call him to clear it up instead of staying quiet and confused.

"I think I tend to over-analyse things on my own, when I could just ask for explanations," he confesses. He's been wondering about Kame's silence for way too long and thinking about it that much can't be healthy. "Sometimes I feel like... the older I get, the more socially awkward I am," he continues.

He remembers being much more straightforward when he was younger - probably because he didn't think that much about consequences at the time. That said, there were few exceptions to that... and for some reason those exceptions always had something to do with Kame.

"You're doing perfectly fine, Jin," Meisa says reassuringly. "It's perfectly normal not to always feel comfortable. And analysing things isn't necessarily bad."

"I don't know," Jin huffs.

Meisa pats his shoulder.

"I don't know what caused this sudden wave of self-doubt, but... you underestimate yourself. Whatever this is, you'll figure it out. I know you will."

Jin hums noncommittally. Her confidence touches him, but he's not sure he believes her. He wonders what happened to suddenly make him get so introspective. Is that also part of becoming a real adult?

"Tell me..." Meisa says and when Jin looks down at her, he sees a hint of mischief in her eyes. And somehow, he can guess what she's about to ask.

"Is this about some girl you just met? How's your dating game going?"

Jin rolls his eyes, but he knows his cheeks are burning. Meisa brings this up every couple of months. It's been six months since she first pointed out that they'd slipped into being friends instead of lovers.

"I'm not dating anyone," he says, just like he did the past two times Meisa asked.

"Well... maybe you should give it a try. I don't like seeing you this down... it's not like you to doubt yourself so much."

Jin doesn't see what dating has to do with anything. It's not like there's anyone he...  
Kame's smile comes to his mind, unbidden.

 

Now that's a thought Jin was supposed to have put away for good, many years ago. 

"I will," he mutters, his pulse suddenly racing from the unexpected thought. "When the right person shows up."

Meisa squeezes his shoulder and lets him go. Jin swallows and realises he may now have an idea of why he's been so obsessed with Kame's silence. While the realisation may have been sudden, the images that play through his mind make it obvious he's been storing things he likes and heart-warming memories about Kame for several months.

He tries not to draw any rushed conclusions. But the Kame-thoughts remain.

***

A couple of weeks later, Jin is heading over to Pi’s place with Takayuki, Shirota and a few beers, only to bump into Kame as the latter is walking out of Pi’s apartment.

“Hey!”

Kame looks surprised. Jin smiles brightly and desperately hopes that he won't run away. The others politely nod at him and walk into the apartment, leaving them alone in the hallway. Kame smiles back, although something about it looks slightly uncomfortable.

"Nice to see you!" Kazuya says nonetheless.

Kame's hair is now brown and fluffy, and Jin is startled to find his hand itching to touch it.

“Don’t you want to stay for a bit longer?” the older asks, although it's not his place to invite people at Pi's.

A muscle in Kame's jaw flexes.  
“I really have to go,” Kame says. “Someone’s expecting me.”

When their eyes meet, the younger looks torn, as if he regrets having to reject the invitation. Jin feels his heart pounding again and wonders when the hell his reactions spun out of control. He's noticing Kame's arms again - and this time he's pretty sure it's not platonic. He remembers appreciating the view when he'd had drinks at Kame's a few months ago, and realises his appreciative looks go back further than he thought. He's been good at lying to himself about being attracted to his friend for years - but now he's too old to believe his lame excuses anymore. He knows his heart never beats like that around his other friends. And he doesn't feel the urge to bury his face in anyone else's fluffy hair either.

“Oh." he says, disappointment written all over his face. "Pity…”

Kame smiles again, and this time it's a real smile. It almost looks like he's blushing, and the sight makes Jin want to grab him and tell him there's nothing to be embarrassed about, that he's perfectly fine with Kame's little breakdown from the other night.

“Another time though," Kame finally says, "that would be nice.”

Jin nods enthusiastically.  
“Yeah... Or maybe later tonight, when you’re done meeting your friend?”

Kame hums.  
“Maybe.”

And after bidding him goodbye, he leaves towards his own apartment.

As the younger turns the corner, Jin exhales. That went better than he'd feared... it certainly doesn't look like Kame hates him. He'd actually looked reluctant to have to leave.

When Jin turns towards Pi's door, he almost walks straight into his host. Pi is looking at him, a pensive look on his face.

"What?" Jin asks.

Pi just nods towards the corridor down which Kame just left.

"... _What?_ " Jin repeats, hating that his cheeks are burning.

"I just thought you two were past being awkward and shy around each other."

Jin splutters and he tries to hide it with a cough.  
"What are you talking about? No one is being shy."

Pi rolls his eyes and lets him in, muttering, "Says the guy who's blushing all over my doorstep."

Jin decides to pretend he didn't hear that.

***

The world must be conspiring against Jin, because between P to JK and the drama announcement, Kame is all over the news. At least Kazuya isn't giving him the silent treatment anymore and texts him one night to ask for some LA restaurant recommendations. The older almost feels a little jealous that he's not going with them - he would have loved to show them around. He feels warmth spread through his chest when Kame texts him:

_Maybe next time you can be our guide ^^_

The world however also helps him out by giving him some distractions, the main one being his drama filming in China. Spending some time away from everything gives him the opportunity to try to look at things more clearly. When he'd started reconnecting with Kazuya, he'd thought they'd eventually go back to what the later stages of their friendship had been like: entirely platonic and without any of the confusion he'd felt a few years earlier. Having old desires slowly creep back into his mind was definitely not what he'd planned.

It quickly becomes evident that no further introspection is necessary when he wakes up hard in his hotel room, and his brain supplies him with mental images of Kame's warm skin and the sound of his deep voice.

***

He finally meets Kazuya again at another party at Pi's. When Jin arrives, he's greeted with cheers from his usual gang. The familiar faces help him ignore his nervousness - he feels lame for feeling so insecure, but he has no idea where they both stand right now, and he wonders whether the younger noticed something was different when they last ran into each other. He's in the middle of updating Yu on his trip to China when he finally notices Kame walking out of the kitchen. 

Jin's heart skips a beat because Kame has just had a haircut and he looks so fucking gorgeous it's unfair.

"I think I'll go get a drink," he tells Yu, "do you need anything?" 

Yu doesn't, so Jin makes his way towards Kazuya... only to realise he's busy talking to some guy Jin doesn't know. He decides to go say hi anyway, because that's the polite thing to do - right? He takes advantage of the fact that Kame's back is facing him to let his eyes linger on his broad shoulders. His muscles fill his shirt out nicely... Jin’s eyes then slide appreciatively down his back and pause on his backside. He then remembers himself and his surroundings - now is not the right time to stare.

He takes the last few steps and introduces himself to the other guy. Jin doesn't hear his reply because of all the blood rushing to his head. Being the focus of Kame's intense gaze is delightfully overwhelming. It almost makes him wonder whether Kazuya somehow felt him staring.

"Hey," he says, and finds himself fishing for something to talk about. Maybe he should've thought twice before interrupting an on-going conversation. Thankfully, Kame saves him and fills in the blank.

"When did you fly back to Tokyo?"

From there, the conversation flows naturally. As the younger talks to the other guest - Yuki-something, apparently - Jin notices the way Kame's necklace rests just tight enough above his collarbones... the way Kame's teeth occasionally tease his bottom lip. And his hair, God, his hair. He wonders how he's going to survive the evening if he keeps getting caught up in similar thoughts.

Kame's eyes lock with his and Jin knows that this time, he's been caught staring,

"I like your new haircut," he says lamely. "It makes you look..." _so fucking hot I can't take it_ , he wants to say. “Great" he says instead.

Kame chuckles.  
"Thank you, Jin."

It takes Jin a moment to realise that Kame is back to teasing him. Something about his own behaviour must have made the younger give up on the distance he'd put between them, because their conversation is simple and easygoing and Jin's extremely relieved that they're back to being okay. Maybe the awkwardness will only be on his side from now on.

Yuki leaves them alone for a few moments to go get a refill, and Jin once more becomes the only focus of the Kamenashi gaze. Did he always look at people this piercingly?

"Jin, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Jin replies, a little confused.

Kame steps closer to speak his question for Jin's ears only.

"Do I have something weird on my face? Because you've been giving me weird looks ever since you came here."

Jin freezes.  
"What? No, I..." _Shit._ "There's nothing wrong with your face."

He scrambles for an excuse but nothing comes to mind. Thank God Yuki comes back with his drink and Kame steps back. At first Jin stays with them, but when it becomes obvious he's unable to concentrate on what the other guest is saying, he mutters an excuse and walks away. Back to Yu, back to his comfort zone. 

That is, he’s in his comfort zone until a new guest arrives and Kame's face splits into a huge smile. The newcomer is wearing classy clothes and Jin hates to admit he’s not too bad-looking. Especially with the warm looks he’s sending Kame’s way. Something unpleasant curls in Jin’s insides.

"Who's that guy?" he asks Pi. The face looks familiar but he can't put a name on it.

"Who?" 

"Him," he says and nods in the new guy's direction. Kame is already by his side, hugging him. Jin's eyes narrow as he watches the younger’s arm linger on the man’s shoulders and he feels his stomach drop. 

"Oh, that's Tsumabuki. He's a friend of ours. Kame did a movie with him a while back."

Oh. Is that why Kame is making heart-eyes at him? Jin suddenly feels so dumb for letting himself get so worked up over his friend when in the end, he might not even be available.

"So, uh... is he Kame's boyfriend or something?" he mutters, after checking that no one is listening in.

Pi's head snaps towards him and he stares at Jin. Then he bursts out laughing.

"You sure don't beat around the bush."

"It's just a question," Jin protests defensively. "Aren't I allowed to be curious?"

Pi eyes him suspiciously. 

"...I honestly don't think there's anything going on between them," he finally answers, "but you should ask Kame yourself if you really need to know."

Jin can't picture walking up to Kame to ask him such a private question out of the blue. So he goes to get himself another drink instead. 

***

Minutes, hours go by and every time Jin works up his courage to go confront Kame, the latter is still deep in conversation with Tsumabuki. The oldest actor is pointing at his hair, and it looks like he's complimenting the new haircut. He's probably doing it more eloquently than Jin did, too.

"He's married," Pi's voice mutters into his ear, "since you seem to be weirdly obsessed with his relationship with Kame..."

"Well some marriages have arrangements,” Jin says, and he tries to keep his voice casual. “You never know."

Pi raises an eyebrow.  
"Why does this matter that much to you anyway?"

"It doesn't." Jin sighs in frustration.

He knows perfectly well that he doesn't sound convincing, but he's too tired to try.  
"Look... I'll explain. In private."

Pi nods and doesn’t push him for more answers.

"Until then, let me know if I can do anything for you," he says.

***

After what seems like forever, Tsumabuki puts his coat back on and is about to leave. Kame is halfway through putting one of Pi's scarves on when at the last minute, he asks his friend to give him a moment and goes to the bathroom. Jin sees the chance to finally see him alone and gets up before his brain catches up with his actions. He blocks the door just as it's about to close and steps in.

Kame looks up in surprise, but his face relaxes when he sees it's just Jin.

"I need to use the bathroom; can you give me a minute?"

All Jin can hear is his heart pounding as he ignores Kame, and closes the door behind him. The younger frowns.

"Jin, I need to pee."

The elder's blood is boiling.

“Are you going to Tsumabuki's place?” he asks out of nowhere, more aggressively than he'd intended but it's too late now.

Kame's frown gets deeper.  
"Not that it's your business, but no I'm not."

"Were you going to follow him out to kiss him goodbye then?"

Kame's eyes widen in surprise, then immediately darken. The second the words leave his lips, Jin realises he went too far. Maybe he should've stayed away from those last two drinks...

"What the fuck, Jin? I'm not even going to answer that."

Jin’s face falls. He can’t let Kame slip through his fingers now of all times. Not now that he's finally figured out what he wants. And now Kame is going to hate him because he’s just sounded like an unreasonable jerk.

"I'm sorry, that came out wrong." He says.   
Kame's expression shifts from furious to confused. He apparently hadn't expected such a quick apology.

“Jin, tell me what’s wrong.”

His voice is calm and low. The older can barely stand holding his gaze and looks away.

"Jin... talk to me," he says softly.

Kame sees Jin’s eyes dart towards his lips, then back to his eyes. And just like that, the mood changes drastically. The younger suddenly looks a little breathless but he quickly regains his composure and lowers his gaze in turn, giving Jin’s lips a heavy stare that leaves no room for doubt.

He steps forwards, slowly, and gives Jin all the time to pull away if he wants to.   
Jin can't breathe. Another step and Kame will be right into his personal space.

The older's back hits the bathroom wall with a thud.

Kame’s face is close, closer. Jin knows what’s coming and he knows he really should pull away now if he wants their friendship to stay as it is… But he would be a fool to believe friendship is still all he wants. Then Kame’s lips are brushing against his and his short fingers are sliding behind his neck and Jin can't think. 

Although their lips are barely touching, Jin feels both thrilled and terrified. Because Kame is kissing him. Kame is kissing him!

Kazuya slowly pulls back and stares at him. _Oh God._  
Jin’s throat bobs as he swallows.  
Kame bites his lower lip and he catches the desire in Jin’s eyes.

He leans back in and his lips tentatively brush against Jin’s once more.  
This time Jin gives in and kisses back, hesitantly.

It’s all excruciatingly innocent, all feather light kisses and touches… until Jin feels Kame’s tongue against his lower lip and sighs contentedly.  
Kame takes that as a good sign and his tongue pushes in.

Another loud breath - Jin realises it's his own.

Kazuya's hand is back behind his neck, more firmly now, and is sliding up into his hair.   
More tongue and Kame is now gripping his hair and pressing against him, and kissing, kissing, kissing him like he can't spare a moment away from his lips.

Jin has never felt this trapped against a wall and it’s so hot he doesn’t even care if his breath keeps being embarrassingly loud.

Kame moves back just enough to let his hand slide down his pecs, his touch still feather light. A shiver runs down Jin's spine and a frustrated sound escapes his throat. He wraps his arms around Kame’s back to draw him closer. His back feels just as good as it had looked. And feeling Kame's solid chest against him is just... perfect.

To his surprise, the younger draws back again, just enough to look him in the eye. His desire is obvious, but what he has to say seems serious enough to justify the interruption. At least Kazuya is still holding him.

“When you came back from LA ten years ago," he says slowly, and Jin is pleased to note that he's not the only one feeling breathless. "You told me you weren’t into guys after all…” he continues and he looks guarded, as if he expects Jin to pull away and tell him that this was all a mistake.

Jin remembers that LA trip like it was yesterday. He remembers taking advantage of his anonymity to hook up with some random guy. Having really bad sex and deciding he never wanted to go through any of that again. Subsequently dismissing any fantasy about Kame as being unrealistic.  
He also remembers Kame's expressionless face when Jin told him about it, a few weeks after he returned home.

“It wasn't a lie..." he says firmly, because Kame has to understand Jin never intended to lie to him. "That’s what I thought at the time… but now I think maybe I was wrong. Or maybe I changed?”

Kame’s face softens. His thumb brushes against his cheek. It’s a strikingly simple gesture after the kisses they’ve just shared.

Jin’s hand covers his. He closes his eyes and takes a breath.  
When he opens them again, he barely catches Kame looking at his ring finger, and it seems like all the happiness was just drawn out of him.

“I'm happy you wanted to tell me this,” Kazuya says carefully, “And I'm very grateful for these moments we just shared. But... I think it’s best we leave what happened here behind us.”

Jin's throat tightens. If Kame is saying that because of his ring... 

“We can stay friends though. Right?” the younger asks, and his voice breaks at the end of his question.

Friends. Jin guesses that’s where they’d finally been standing…   
Kame disentangles himself from Jin before the latter has time to react. The elder's cheek and hand immediately feel lonely… and so does his body without Kame’s warmth.

"Jin, answer me." Kame insists, his voice barely above a whisper.  
If Jin thought he’d looked vulnerable on the boat, it was nothing compared to what he looks like now.

"I don't want to be friends," Jin breathes.

Kame's face becomes blank.

"No, wait," Jin quickly continues. "I mean... my marriage isn't... Meisa and I are just friends."

The other man frowns in confusion.   
"What?"

"Meisa is okay with this... hell, she'd even encourage it."

Kame blinks and frowns some more.   
"I don't understand..."

Someone angrily knocks at the door, startling them both.  
"Hurry up in there!" A voice shouts.

Kame steps towards the door but Jin touches his arm. This can’t be over just yet.  
"Kame wait..."

Jin hesitates for a second, then leans down to kiss him again. It’s simple and gentle, but it’s enough to get his message across. He slides his fingers through the hair he'd been staring at all evening and pulls Kame into a hug. It takes the younger a few moments to return it.

"Can we go to your place? Please?" Jin whispers.

Kame's fists tighten into his t-shirt and Jin feels his friend’s heart beat faster.  
"That's... extremely tempting. But I did promise Tsumabuki I'd walk him to his car."

The older tries not to feel jealous.  
"Tsk, he probably left by now. And I can wait, that's not a problem."

The angry knock comes back. Kame ignores it.

"How about ... you come over for breakfast tomorrow? I have the day off and you can explain everything about your marriage and... what you want."  
Jin is glad to see Kame doesn't look sad anymore.

"That's easy - I want you."

Kame smiles and looks so pleased Jin feels butterflies all over his stomach.  
He's about to answer when they hear the lock turning; someone has obviously been picking it. They reluctantly pull apart.

"Tomorrow. 11am, my place." Kame says quickly.

Jin barely has the time to nod when the door breaks open and a desperate Takayuki runs to the toilet.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, Kame can barely believe that the memories of the previous evening are real. It takes him longer than usual to leave the warmth of his bed - it's too tempting to just stay there and reminisce about last night's events.

_“That’s easy - I want you.”_

A shiver spreads down his spine as he remembers Jin’s words.  
Jin wants him.

He lets himself sink into the mattress as he remembers their slow kisses as well as the more passionate ones… what a perfect way to start the day.

In the end, he makes himself get up - he's got work to do. He tries to persuade himself that maybe he and Jin will only talk, and that he's better off not having any expectations. Still, changing the sheets can't hurt - just in case. He ignores the way his heart flutters at the thought that he's actually changing the sheets for Jin...  
He then does a few push-ups for good measure and takes a long shower.

By the time it's 11 o’clock, pancakes and freshly made smoothies are ready in case Jin is hungry.

He checks his reflection in the mirror: his hair is casually messy (although he’s spent a few long minutes arranging it) and his black t-shirt shows off his collarbones nicely. He could drag the large neckline a bit further to the side but maybe that would be too much?  
The thought of Jin being attracted to him is so new that Kame doesn’t really know what the other man likes. So he ends up wearing some of his usual casual clothes – a t-shirt and ripped jeans.

It’s ten past 11 when the doorbell finally rings.

Kame walks to the door, his heart in his throat.

Jin has a raincoat zipped up to his chin, and a huge beanie covering up most of his head. He’s freshly shaved, and Kame notices a few curls that aren’t entirely dry yet. So Jin has showered too.   
Kame pictures him shaving, and imagines him wanting to look all neat for him… it warms his heart, although no amount of beard or moustache would ever stop him from wanting Jin.  
“Wanting” is the word he makes himself use, but the truth is, what he feels goes much deeper than that.

“Hey!” Jin says, like he always does. He looks a little shy – it helps Kame feel a bit less self-conscious.

Kame steps back to let him in, and rids Jin of his stuff.  
His thick locks fall around his face and Kame tries to ignore the way he just wants to grab them then and there.

“I’m glad you came,” he says with a smile as he puts Jin’s coat and beanie away.  
The older looks surprised.

“Of course I came!”

Kame just shrugs and leads the way to the kitchen. Jin’s socked feet shuffle across the floor and he plops himself onto one of the stools next to the counter.

“Would you like some coffee? I made you some breakfast if you want.”

Jin gives the air an appreciative sniff.  
“It looks and smells delicious. But I’ll just have some water for now… maybe I’ll eat this later?”

“Yeah, sure!”

They sound so… polite and careful. And yet, something about the way Jin smiles at him is more open than ever.  
Kame hands him a glass of water, and hesitates. Then finally gives in and asks his question.

“…Are you hungover?”

Jin blinks at him.  
“Not at all… you know it takes more than last night to make me feel sick.”

Kame nods.  
Good, then… That means Jin can enjoy whatever is coming. Not that Kame has anything specific in mind but… well, maybe he does.

The younger sits on the other side of the counter and serves himself a glass of water of his own.  
God this is awkward.

“So, um…” Jin says, and his hair falls in his face. He flips it over to the side and Kame stares at him.  
Fuck it, they have to get this over with because he needs to kiss Jin right now.

“Is Meisa really okay with… you seeing other people?”  
Kame phrases the question without including himself in it on purpose.

Jin nods.  
“Yeah… we’re not really a couple anymore. I mean, we are, but… what unites us is the family we love. Not romance.” 

Kame releases a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. So what Jin had said last night wasn’t just some drunk rambling. That was one of the reasons why he’d preferred for them to have this discussion in broad daylight. He’d spent so many years helplessly in love with Jin that he needed to be sure that he wasn’t letting himself get worked up over something impossible.

“Okay…” he notices Jin watching him carefully and it suddenly makes him self-conscious again.

Jin purses his lips and knits his brows together, as if he’s looking for the right words for what he wants to stay next.

“I haven’t been dating anyone though. For some reason, I guess I thought I still owed it to her to stay faithful. Even though she keeps telling me I shouldn’t hold back… I can’t bring myself to date casually now.”

Kame nods quietly and lets him continue.

“It just… doesn’t feel good enough to justify giving up on our relationship. I don’t really know how to explain it but…” —Jin pauses, looking for the best way to translate what he’s feeling into words— “If it’s not Meisa, it has to be someone important enough to me. Someone who I care about enough to turn my back on my idea of a traditional marriage for good.”

The younger thinks he understands, although it’s very unexpected. Part of him wonders whether Jin really is ready to take that step yet. Whether Jin considers him “important” enough to re-shape everything he’d ever imagined about his family life.

Suddenly Kame feels like the setting he chose for this conversation is too cold, and he aches to show Jin some support.

“It’s not easy to find what works best for us. To make us happy. How’s Meisa doing?”

Jin shrugs.  
“She’s fine. She’s seen a few people but… I don’t think she found the right person yet. She’s actually been a great friend to me - She’s not the one holding me back. I just needed some time to adjust.”

Kame notes that Jin used the past tense but doesn’t dare get his hopes up too high.

Jin empties his glass, so Kame gets up to refill it for him.  
When he puts it back on the table though, Jin reaches out for his wrist.

Their eyes lock and Jin’s face his so insecure Kame’s heart aches.

“Kame?” Jin whispers.  
His fingers slide from his wrist to his hand and Kame welcomes it, his pulse racing.

Jin swallows and looks up at him again.

“You ought to know… I’ve liked you for much longer than you think. So much longer.”

A shaky breath leaves Kame’s lips. His fingers tighten around Jin’s and suddenly it feels like it’s not enough. He steps closer and hesitantly places his other hand on Jin’s shoulder.  
The older instinctively leans into him, his face resting against his chest.

Kame had never expected Jin to say anything like this. When he’d invited him over, he’d thought Jin would just confirm that he and Meisa weren’t exclusive and that they would make out. But this is so much more. His throat tightens.  
How long is “much longer”?

_“Is this the part where you pull me to the elevator and kiss me?”_

_“… sometimes I wonder what it would be like with a guy.”_

He remembers conversations he’d buried deep down in his memories. Loaded looks he’d refused to acknowledge for fear of discovering he was reading too much into them. He thinks of all those years they missed and it hurts.

But then, he thinks of all of Jin’s dreams that came true, and realises maybe the older wouldn’t have tried so hard to achieve them if they’d been together. Jin’s daughter makes him the happiest. And apart from the nature of his marriage, his current life is everything he’s ever dreamed of.  
Kame tells himself that for those reasons alone, it may have been worth postponing this conversation.  
Maybe Jin wouldn’t have been ready to accept what he felt for Kame earlier anyway.

He breathes in the scent of Jin’s hair and strokes it gently.

Jin’s shoulders heave as he breathes deeply.  
He then looks up and Kame and their eyes lock again.

“Kame?” he whispers and he looks so insecure again that Kame feels an uncontrollable rush of affection for him. “Kame, please say something.”

The younger gently brushes his fingers against his cheek.

“I think you already know,” he says, his voice scratchy.

“I want to know for sure. What you’re thinking right now,” Jin insists.

Kame licks his lips nervously. How much honesty is too much?  
But Jin has been so open with him, and with the way he’s looking at him now it’s hard to hold back.

“I’ve spent more than half of my life in love with you. You’ll always be... very special to me.”  
The air stills and at first Kame is terrified.   
But then he feels Jin relax against him and slowly breathes more freely.

When the older’s face moves away from his chest a few seconds later, his hands are gently clutching at the younger’s t-shirt.

“Kazuya… can we please go to your bedroom?”

***

Jin looks just as hot sprawled against the sheets as in Kame’s wildest dreams.  
Their clothes had come off in no time, and now it’s just their hot skin and the fresh bedding.

Kame starts off with kissing Jin slowly, but hearing him whimper makes Kame grip his hair just a little tighter and kiss him deeper. All those sweet noises only drive him on, and he wants to draw them all out of Jin over and over again.

Jin blushes a little when Kame presses all against him and their legs intertwine.  
But it feels so good he quickly forgets about any form of embarrassment. All that matters is Kame’s mouth. An occasional scrape of teeth. And his skin that feels so hot, so soft… Jin feels like he’s melting into his touch.

There’s a lick just below Jin’s ear and then Kame breathes on it.  
“Fuck…” Jin sighs and before he realises it he’s bucking his hips against Kame.

“You’re so hot, Jin,” Kame breathes and then he’s kissing him into the mattress again.  
Jin hears a low hum and lifts his hips for more friction. Kame makes a small noise that gets drowned into his mouth.

When they part to breathe, Jin smirks – his eyes nonetheless still convey his affection and Kame gives him his brightest smile.

Then Jin feels a hand around his cock and his brain stops working.  
“Hnn fuck,” he whimpers. His breath hitches and he spreads his legs a bit wider.

He forces his eyes open.  
“Kame, kiss me.”

The younger obliges, and Jin’s hands are in his hair – he tries the tugging thing too. Kame seems to also like it, once Jin’s found just the right balance.  
The latter’s eyes flutter open and he sees Kame’s arm muscles working.  
Fuck, his hand feels so good down there.

“Jin… what do you want?”  
Kame’s voice is low and still sounds a bit scratchy.

“I don’t know…” Jin admits. “This is good.”

Kame smiles at him and Jin takes a breath, tries to put some order in his thoughts.  
He trusts Kame not to hurt him and to listen to him if something gets too uncomfortable.

“Show me what you want…” he says, and his breath hitches again as Kame’s hand tightens slightly around him.

He almost wants to laugh at the sudden glint in Kame’s eyes.  
“Yeah?” Kame asks, a little unsure.

“Yeah… I’ll let you know if anything feels too weird.”

Kame’s hand leaves Jin’s body and his eyes dart all over him, like he’s not sure where to start.  
One thing is certain, he’s obviously enjoying the view.

“…Could you... roll over?” he finally asks, and Jin is surprised to see him blush.

“Hey, I’m supposed to be the shy one here,” he jokes, and Kame chuckles.

The older lies down on his stomach and tucks a pillow in his arms so that he can look back at the other comfortably.  
Kame lies down next to him, and at first he simply caresses his back. It’s slow, soothing.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Kame asks, with a twinkle in his eye  
.  
“What is it?” Jin asks, a little confused by the time and place for this question.

Then Kame’s hand slowly slides lower and cups his arse.  
“Your butt… is so hot.”

Jin almost wants to laugh.  
“What?”

“It is,” Kame insists, and he cups one of his butt-cheeks more firmly.

Kazuya then sits up and moves further down the bed. Both his hands glide slowly, feather light over Jin’s back again… then over both cheeks.  
Jin holds his breath, not sure what to expect.  
Kame’s touch comes back, a little firmer and then he’s pinching his soft skin and Jin feels his cock throb against the sheets.  
It feels unexpectedly hot… trust Kame to discover new kinks for him straight away.

Jin feels lips against his left butt-dimple, then against the right. A bit of tongue, and warm breath.  
Then he feels a wet kiss against his arse-cheek and he starts to get an idea of what Kame is tempted to do.

The thought of it is… extremely hot. But the reality of it feels a bit too weird - for now.

“Kame?”

“Hm?”

“Come back up here…” He murmurs.

The younger follows his request and is back to lying next to him.  
Jin hoists himself up over his chest and kisses him slowly. Sharing these moments together… it feels like coming home. Holding Kame in his arms feels like the most natural thing in the world. Like this new intimacy is just the natural next step for their relationship.  
Another kiss, then he rests his forehead against the younger’s.

“Can I touch you?” he asks, his voice a little wobbly.

Kame smiles.  
“Do you think I’d be naked in bed with you if I didn’t want you to?”

Jin bites his lip.  
“Okay… but could you just… talk me through it? And um. Give me some lube?”

Kame swallows.  
“Yeah, of course.”

He stretches towards the nearest drawer and Jin lets himself admire the flexing body before him.

 

Once Kame is lying back down, Jin settles over his thighs and allows himself to stare at his body for a few moments. The younger bites his lip and a hint of worry seems to flicker on his face, so Jin quickly reassures him.

“You’re beautiful,” he says, and brushes a thumb against the younger’s hip. “I’m not going to lie, there are some things I still need to get used to”—His eyes stop on Kame’s cock—“but I’ve had fantasies about every bit of your body so… I’m pretty confident all I need is practise.”

Kame smiles, visibly pleased with what he’s hearing.

Jin leans down to kiss him again; he lets his hands explore a little. His fingers brush against a nipple and he grows curious. He lips leave Kame’s and he smiles bashfully at him before bending lower to flick his tongue at the small nub.

The younger’s breath catches in his throat, so Jin continues. His soft lips press against Kame’s skin, then there’s tongue, and just a bit of teeth.  
Even swollen, Kame’s nipple is still tiny compared to the elder’s; Jin feels a bit silly for having that thought at that moment but he can’t help it – he hasn’t had many occasions to see Kame up close like this before, has he?

Jin feels Kame move and realises Kame has started touching himself.  
For a few moments, he just watches, entranced.  
Their eyes lock and _fuck_ , Jin wants him so much…  
He plucks up his courage and covers Kame’s hand with his own.

Kame voices his content and lets him take the lead.  
His short hair is even more messed up than before and he looks so hot when he’s biting his lip and making those small noises….  
Jin forgets that it’s a bit weird for him to be touching another man’s cock because it’s _Kame_ , and Kame wants him, and he’s making those beautiful sighs; and… he’s been in love with Jin half his life.

Jin’s heart beats faster and he tries to adjust his grip.  
“Tell me what feels good,” he murmurs.

“…Just get the lube,” Kame says, and Jin feels a shiver go down his spine.

“Okay.”

***

At first, Jin watches Kame prepare himself, because he’s too scared to ruin the mood by doing something wrong. But the more he watches the younger, the more heat pools between his legs and he just has to do something.

“…Can I try?” he ends up asking.

Kame nods and Jin draws closer, lube dripping off his hand. Touching Kame there… it feels so intimate. But that’s exactly what he wants – intimacy.  
When his first knuckle slips in, he bites his lip, a little unsure.

“Go on, you’re doing fine,” Kame whispers.

The bedroom is full of sunlight and if feels surreal that they’re actually doing this. Jin doesn’t remember his first time with anyone else being in the middle of the day. He’s all the more aware of every single detail. Of every single flutter of Kame’s lashes, and every single breath.  
Jin tries to calm his heartbeat and pushes in further.

“More,” Kame groans and the deep sound makes Jin lose all restraint.

Soon a second finger is joining the first and Jin worries that he’s hurting him. But then Kame makes the hottest sounds and brushes away all of his doubts.

“Jin…” Kame says breathlessly and Jin gets it. His pulse racing, he reaches for a condom.

Moments later, he slowly eases inside Kame.  
Fuck… it’s so tight.

Only their breaths fill the silence and Kame is staring at him so openly that Jin feels a bit overwhelmed.  
He pushes in further and Kame’s breath hitches.

“…Oh fuck.” Kame whines. And it’s so unlike any of the noises he’s made until then that Jin pauses, unsure if that’s a good sign.

“Faster… please.” Kame says, trying in vain to get his voice under control.

Jin doesn’t need to be told twice; swearwords escape his lips instead as his hips move more quickly, more intensely. 

“Kame…”  
His arms are trembling and he almost feels like he’s going to get a cramp.  
Sweat trickles down Jin’s back and at first, he doesn’t even realise he’s groaning.

Kame looks so raw beneath him, and Jin is amazed that he’s able to do that. That they can share something this special.

Jin’s hips move faster, harder, and Jin can no longer tell who’s whimpering, who’s swearing.  
Kame’s hips lift further off the mattress and Jin feels on fire.

“Oh fuck.” Kame sobs and Jin had never heard him make a noise like that. Then Kazuya groans and his whole body goes tense. 

Jin can’t take his eyes off him.

A few moments later Jin whimpers and comes too.  
He collapses onto the mattress next to Kame, his body covered in sweat.

He barely has the time to catch his breath when Kame leans in and kisses him sloppily; then more gently. The younger’s hand slowly caresses his wet hair while Jin’s heartrate gradually calms down.

***

After a quick shower, they’re back together in bed, simply enjoying their newfound closeness. Getting dressed isn’t an option – not yet.  
They stay quiet for a few minutes, each contentedly replaying some of the day’s moments in their minds. Cuddling in silence is good for recharging their batteries, and they sure need it.

“Maybe we could work out together sometimes,” Jin asks out of the blue, while his face is nuzzled against Kame’s shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Kame replies slowly. “I might get distracted…” 

He lazily takes Jin’s arm in his hands, and before Jin realises why the younger is moving, teeth are lightly biting his biceps. Kame then kisses the soft skin – he hasn’t left a trace, he’d just felt the urge to feel it against his tongue. Although Jin is still exhausted, he still enjoys the pleasant feeling.

Kame’s hand slides lower to Jin’s wrist, and he kisses it too.  
The look he gives the older is just as intense as if he were kissing less innocent places.

Jin shivers – he hadn’t realised his wrists were sensitive. He’s probably sensitive all over when it comes to Kame touching him, and he looks forward to discovering just how good his touch would feel. Everywhere.

“You could come over and work out at my place…” Kame murmurs, “so that I can enjoy the view and show you how much I appreciate your efforts.”

Jin blushes although Kame hasn’t said anything dirty. Because he can’t help the mental images he’s getting.

“If we’re both alone,” he answers, “I could show off just how well I’ve been working on _all_ my muscles.”

Kame hums in agreement, a grin on his lips.  
“Yeah… let me see those muscles at work,” he says in a low voice. 

Jin bites his lip, like he’s trying not to laugh.

“Are you suggesting that I do all that naked?”

Kame’s eyes flash and he smiles mischievously.  
“Well someone needs to check that you’re giving your glutes all the work they need.”

At that, Jin snorts.  
He crawls back over Kame and kisses him. It’s slow, sensual, and their skin is still hot from their shower.

“You looked perfectly happy with the way my glutes look a few minutes ago,” Jin murmurs.

Kame smirks.  
“I am… but that’s why they need to be protected at all costs – they’re a natural treasure.”  
Jin looks at him like he’s not sure he heard him correctly, then bursts out laughing.  
Even after his laughter dies down, his big smile is still on his lips, his lower lip jutting forwards and Kame already wants to kiss him again.

The younger’s heart swells with so much affection. He still can’t believe all of this is real. That Jin is laughing in bed with him, that they’re spending a lazy day simply enjoying each other’s presence. He doesn’t only feel physically connected to Jin, but also in every other possible way.

The younger snakes his arms back around him and hold him tight.

The latter feels the change in mood and relaxes in his embrace. Jin gives him smile so bright Kame knows it comes from the bottom of his heart.

As they doze off for a short nap, Kame feels like he couldn’t be any happier.

***

Cherry blossom season is starting and after an early walk in Ueno park with his mom and Theia, Jin drops the youngest off at her best friend’s place. He and his mother then head back home for a cosy lunch together.

She asks him how his on-going projects are going and, of course, asks about his family life. At first Jin gives her the usual answer he gives his other close friends. But at the end of the meal, he decides that he owes his mother sincerity. She’s always encouraged him in all his endeavours and always gave him her honest opinion. So he ends up telling her about his and Meisa’s agreement.

At first, she seems surprised; but after a few moments of reflexion, she seems to accept it.

“I have to admit this wasn’t what I expected,” she says. “But there’s no point forcing yourself to fit a certain mould if it’s not meant for you.”

Jin hums. He’d spent so much time worrying about meeting standards (including his own) that he’d forgotten what matters the most.

“I remember you once told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. And that I shouldn’t feel like I have to live up to the image people had created for me…”

His mother nods. That conversation had taken place when the thoughts of leaving KAT-TUN and JE had first crossed Jin’s mind, many years ago.

“I think I’ve realised there’s no point for me to cling to people’s expectations for the other aspects of my life either,” Jin continues, “and that includes my own expectations…”

She smiles.  
“I just want you and your family to be happy,” she says warmly.

“We are, I think,” he answers. They already were happy before, as a family.

As far as he’s concerned, he’s still unreasonably anxious about fucking up sometimes. But it’s getting better, he knows that he’s only human and that what counts is that he tries his best.   
He’s also learning to ease away some of his self-depreciation by thinking of the good things he’s achieved.

Reuniting with his childhood best friend is definitely one of the past few months’ highlights. He thinks of where they were a few years ago, and where they are now. Their romantic relationship only makes their old friendship easier to re-kindle, with no more hidden feelings, and a deeper understanding of each other. 

Jin feels so grateful for the way life brought them back together.   
Grateful and full of love.

 

 

The end.


End file.
